momo

i don't really know where to start on this post. i actually don't even want to write it. but i do. no, i don't. but i need to, so here we go…

on monday, august 15 when i blogged here about her health, we were hopeful that the medication would kick in and start to work. right before i wrote that blog, i sat down with her on the kitchen floor and tried to give her her medicine, but she refused everything i offered her. she even let a pill just sit in the back of her throat without trying to swallow it. i sat with her for a while and talked to her. i told her to tell me when enough is enough and that she needed to let me know when she was ready. i gave her a kiss, went into the living room and proceeded to write that blog. ironically, while i was blogging, or shortly after, she died. ant went into the kitchen and i asked him to check on her and he said she was gone. to say we were shocked doesn't really describe it. 3 hours earlier, the vet told us that she had high hopes for her recovery and that this was just a "hump" we had to get over. well, it was a different hump than we had expected, that's for sure.

momo, i miss you. you were the greatest dog a person could ask for. just ask anyone who ever met you. everyone wanted to take you home cause you were so awesome. one time at a garage sale some lady asked me if she could buy you. i laughed in her face and told her she would have to kill me first. she laughed, but i was serious.

i miss your stinky breath.
i miss giving you hair cuts (even though we both hated it).
i miss fighting with you to cut your nails.
i miss you pestering me every second of every day (and night) to throw your ball.
i miss telling you "i can't reach it" and watching you get so frustrated cause you knew i could.
i miss watching you play with amelie. you were so good to her, even though you never did care for kids too much. you knew she was special to us.
i miss cleaning your gross ears.
i miss yelling at you to stop licking your butt.
i miss your high pitch bark every time we clapped or vaccuumed.
i miss watching you chase your tail and laughing until it hurt.
i miss torturing you with moonboots and sweaters.
i miss your mohawk.
i miss taking you for walks.
i miss tripping over you.
i miss taking you outside.
i miss the bruises on my shins from your head cause you couldn't see me your last months here.
i miss the yelping.
i miss shoving you out of the way in bed cause i couldn't move my feet under the covers.
i miss tapping my foot on the floor to show you where food had fallen so you could get it.
i miss watching you run your heart out to catch your ball.
i miss forcing you to cuddle with me. you would lay your head on my shoulder for 10 seconds to appease me and then pop up to go find your ball.
i miss watching you box with yeager.
i miss watching you get so frustrated when tucker would pester you. i know you guys are playing together now.
i even miss stepping in poop outside.
and most of all, i just miss having you on the floor next to me. you always had to be in the same room.

you were exceptional. incredibly smart with so much energy. you could learn a new trick in a matter of minutes and remember it forever. you understood every word i said and i swore one day you were going to talk back to me. i like to think i was your best friend, but i know you liked your ball better than me. it's ok.

you were there with me through college, 9 jobs, 7 moves and 3 cities. you comforted me through break-ups and laid with me when i was sick. you were even by my side when i married the man who adopted you as his own (i even made him an adoption certificate to make it official). you went everywhere with me and you were always on your best behavior. we had a good 12 years together, i'd say.

i always knew you leaving would be hard, but i had no idea it would be this hard. i keep waiting for you to come around the corner or scratch on the door to come back in from outside. but, i know you aren't suffering anymore. i know you can see so clearly now. i know you'll never have another ear infection or itchy skin problem. and i know i'll see you again. and i can't wait.

love,
mama

emotional rollercoaster

Believe it or not, this post isn't about Amelie. It's about our first baby girl, Morgan, or as most of you know her, MoMo. And it's also quite depressing… just a warning, sorry.

As you also might know, she hasn't been doing well for quite some time now. She has had a heart murmur that gets worse every time we take her to the vet. Within the past couple of months, she has been breathing very heavy and fast and her belly got bloated. Her hair is growing in patches and we have to carry her up and down the stairs to take her out now.

Last week I was out of town and got a voicemail from Ant saying that Mo wasn't doing well at all and that she had had an "episode" when she came back in from going outside. She was wobbly and disoriented and couldn't stand or walk. We decided that we would just keep an eye on her and take her to the vet when I got back if she was still struggling. When I got home on Saturday, she seemed ok. Not good, just ok. Until today. She was pooping this gooey pumpkin grossness, wasn't eating well, seemed very uncomfortable and breathing very heavy. I took her outside when Ant went to class and she made a huge mess on herself so I decided to give her a bath (crying the entire time). Usually when I clip her nails she fights me, but not today. She just sat there. Usually she shakes like crazy and rolls all over the place like a crazy dog when she is wet, but not today. She laid down on the floor and didn't move for about 2 hours. Ant got home from class, took one look at her and said, let's take her now.

I was a mess. I just knew this was it. I just kept praying that she wouldn't be suffering. I wasn't ready, but I hate seeing her like this. Then again, are we ever ready to say goodbye to our first baby?

We got to the vet and they rushed us back, seeing how in distress she was. I cried some more. They came back with a list of tests and procedures they wanted to to, which added up to $360 that we just don't have right now. The vet tech told us about a credit program that we could apply for that we wouldn't have to pay interest on for at least a year. So we made the decision to do that and go for it. (The grand total ended up being $411… ouch.)

The prognosis was that she has heart failure in her right side and possibly some in her left. This is causing her organs to not quite function properly, leading to fluid build-up, which leads to shortness of breath and pressure on the lungs. The doctor compared it to being really pregnant and having so much pressure on your lungs that you just can't get a deep enough breath. They had oxygen on her and they drained a lot of fluid out of her belly. They started her on a med called Lasiks (sp?), which is a diuretic, to make her pee more fluid out. We also got 2 other meds for her heart that she will have to be on for the remainder of her life.

I was incredibly thankful for this "good" outcome. I actually didn't even think we would be coming home with her, so when I say good, I mean, still here. Since we've been home, she hasn't been much better. We are supposed to monitor her breathing and call the doc in the morning to let her know how she's doing. Tonight when I took her out, I had to wipe her butt (sorry, I know it's super gross) and I was wiping blood. I was shocked to see it and I have no idea what's causing it, but I will definitely be asking the doc about that in the morning. She still seems uncomfortable and is still breathing really fast and hard.  She won't even eat vanilla yogurt with her meds in it like she always used to. She just turns her nose up to it.

Again, I just keep praying for God to tell us when enough is enough. It's so hard to see her like this. Sorry this is such a long and sad post. Please pray for us as we make these tough decisions and try to find a way to make these new payments. Please pray that MoMo would go in peace and not suffer at all.

Good night.
k-